Why parents should NEVER tutor math

Short answer: Parents usually shouldn’t be their child’s math tutor because the relationship gets in the way. Your child wants to impress you, old family dynamics surface, and frustration on either side triggers stress that shuts down learning. Being good at math is not the same as being good at teaching it. A tutor starts with a clean slate.

The student-parent relationship doesn’t work for tutoring math. We’ve had hundreds of calls from frustrated parents trying to tutor their kids in math.

The results range from frustration to crying and shouting. Do you think that sounds like a productive learning environment?

Key points

• Kids want to impress: Feeling judged by a parent creates math anxiety, and stress blocks learning.
• Old dynamics surface: Rebellion on one side and pushing work ethic on the other add stress.
• Math skill isn’t teaching: Being an engineer or physicist doesn’t make you a good math tutor.
• Safety comes first: Once fight or flight kicks in, no learning happens.
• Tutors build rapport: They connect math to a student’s passions and treat mistakes calmly.
• Parents still matter: Everyday math, games and a positive attitude help at home.

Why can’t I tutor my own child in math?

There are a lot of reasons why parents should not tutor math.

• Your child is trying to impress you. They want to live up to your expectations and want you to think they are smart. Your student will feel like you are judging them while trying to figure out the problem. This creates math anxiety. You can’t learn anything while stressed out.
• You know each other better than anyone. This is great for parenting but bad for tutoring mathematics. Every dynamic of your relationship will come out. Your child needs to rebel. You need to impose a work ethic. The result is stress which turns off the brain.
• Being good at math isn’t enough. You may be great at math. Maybe you are an engineer or physicist. There is no correlation between being good at math and being good at tutoring math. Many parents don’t understand the order math topics should be presented. You are probably making the situation worse.

Many parents are easily frustrated when trying to tutor math. If your child senses your frustration they will become uneasy and shut down. Once your child shuts down no learning will occur.

What happened when a physicist tried to tutor his own son?

Early in my career, a parent with a Ph.D. in physics hired us to tutor his son in physics. At the time I couldn’t understand it. I asked, “why don’t you do it yourself?”

He responded in frustration “I tried it doesn’t work!” The dynamic of the parent/student relationship doesn’t work for mathematics and physics tutoring.

What is it about the student-tutor relationship that does work?

Now you have insight into why tutoring your child in math has gone terribly wrong. Let’s take a look at why a professional math tutor can bypass these pitfalls.

The most important thing to understand is the student must be in a safe state of mind to learn anything.

Once the defense mechanism is activated, there is no chance of learning anything. Period.

Why does stress stop a student from learning math?

Imagine approaching a stranger on the street and shouting at them “what’s your address!!!!” The stranger would have trouble recalling something as basic as their home address.

The reason for this is the fight or flight response has been activated. The brain is focused on survival, not memory recall. Sadly this is the environment in which many students learn math.

When a student is trying to learn math under stress they are in fight or flight mode. When a math teacher calls a student in front of the class, the priority is to avoid appearing dumb to their friends.

The brain will not work for learning, just surviving. The same thing happens when a parent becomes frustrated tutoring their child. The child’s main priority is not to appear dumb to mom and dad. They want to impress you.

Imagine how difficult it would be to figure out something complicated under these conditions. Take the time to get inside your child’s mind and understand their experience.

“There’s a fear that they’re behind, and they don’t want to be embarrassed… This should never be an ego thing. It’s just, where are you, what do we need to learn, and why do we learn it?”

Jake Gerhardt, Alexander Tutoring math tutor

How do math tutors put their students at ease?

This leads us to the beauty of the student-tutor relationship. The most important thing is making your student feel at ease. Many students are afraid of feeling dumb in front of you. It’s the math tutor’s job to create a safe space.

• Building rapport. The beginning of each tutoring session is dedicated to building rapport. We want to get to know them as a person. We want to know what they are passionate about in life. It’s important to know what classes the student enjoys. It’s SO important to create a personal connection. This is the first step in creating a real relationship.
• Connecting math to their passion. We are not trying to convince you to become a mathematician. We ARE trying to convince you that a knowledge of mathematics will make you better at your passion. If you’re a musician, we can talk about frequency and the harmonic series. If you’re an artist, we can talk about the golden ratio and how it was used in renaissance art. If you’re an athlete, we can talk about sports statistics.
• Reacting calmly to mistakes. We let them know it’s not a big deal. Everyone makes mistakes, especially in math. It’s SO important that your student feel comfortable making mistakes. They should never feel judged.

Do professors make math mistakes too?

I like to ask my students if they think my physics professors made mistakes. They usually answer yes, which is correct. The difference between the professors and us is they catch every mistake.

How? The professor has built a system for checking their work. Every math line goes through a checklist to catch mistakes. One trick is to make sure the units match on both sides of the equation. If the units don’t match, an error occurred somewhere.

The fact that Ph.D. mathematicians frequently make mistakes puts the student at ease. Most students think they just shouldn’t make mistakes, which is false. We will help your student create their own mistake checklist. Given tools to verify their work, they develop the confidence to push forward.

Tutor tip: Start a mistake checklist with your student: units match on both sides, signs carried correctly, answer makes sense. Checking each line against it turns mistakes into something to catch, not something to fear.

Why do tutors never get frustrated?

We never get frustrated with the student. If a student is working on a math problem and you become frustrated, the student can feel that frustration. It will make them feel dumb, and they will shut down. No more learning will occur on that day.

Praise is a powerful motivator. If a student does something right we give lots of praise. This will build confidence and continue to put the student at ease. Once the student has that “ah-ha” moment we give them lots of praise. This changes their math story for the better.

What can parents do instead of tutoring math?

Stepping back from tutoring doesn’t mean stepping back from math. Parents have a big influence on how a child feels about math, and there is plenty you can do at home that doesn’t put you in the tutor’s chair.

• Bring math into everyday life. Count things with younger kids, explain measurements while cooking or baking, or try talking math as part of the bedtime routine. Older kids can compare unit prices at the grocery store, budget a dream vacation or work out how much gas a trip takes.
• Play math games. Card games and board games such as Monopoly and Prime Climb build skills without more screen time, and a simple deck of cards is enough for games like Multiplication War.
• Ask them to explain their thinking out loud. Ask what the first step is and why, then the next. It slows them down and shows you where they get stuck, without you taking over the problem.
• Find the gap, then get help. Math is cumulative, so a missing foundation makes everything harder. Look at tests and homework for patterns, then talk to the teacher or a tutor to diagnose the issue.
• Build curiosity. Point out patterns in nature, read math picture books together, or explore interesting problems that aren’t on a worksheet.
• Keep your attitude positive. Anxiety about math is contagious; research has found that students can pick up on their teachers’ math anxiety. Tell your child you believe they can learn math, and talk about a growth mindset.

For more ideas, see our guides to cultivating a growth mindset in your kids and reversing the effects of math trauma.

Tutor tip: If you feel yourself getting frustrated during homework, stop and take a break before you say anything. Your child can feel that frustration, and once they shut down, the rest of the session is lost.

Why does a tutor give you a clean slate?

There is a lot more that goes into tutoring math than just doing math. It’s a process that engages the student’s deepest fears and insecurities. This is why most parent attempts to tutor their kids go horribly wrong.

There are too many expectations and frustrations tied up in your relationship. This will get in the way of great mathematics tutoring.

By engaging a math tutor you get a clean slate. You can develop a new kind of relationship, free of past experiences and expectations. If you’re ready to look, here is how to find a math tutor for your child.

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